


come give me love

by directionone



Category: The OC (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Discovery, Violence (implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 20:26:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15178658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/directionone/pseuds/directionone
Summary: Ryan is four years old when he hears the wordfaggotfor the first time, and it’s another two years before he understands the meaning. He hears it come out of Frank’s mouth every time he drinks and it makes him scared and anxious, having a word he doesn’t understand being thrown around at him, at everyone who gets in Franks way. Later, it’s Trey who explains it to him, quietly under the sheets after a particularly bad night. He shushes Ryan and talks about love in a way Ryan doesn’t really understand but he gets the gist: faggots are abnormal and something only rich people are.





	come give me love

**Author's Note:**

> This work is incredibly self-indulgent and is a way to process my own feelings about growing up poor and gay. I do not know if anyone still reads the OC fanfiction but if you do, I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> There are some triggering elements in this, see end notes for more spoilerish notes.

Ryan is four years old when he hears the word _faggot_ for the first time, and it’s another two years before he understands the meaning. He hears it come out of Frank’s mouth every time he drinks and it makes him scared and anxious, having a word he doesn’t understand being thrown around at him, at everyone who gets in Franks way. Later, it’s Trey who explains it to him, quietly under the sheets after a particularly bad night. He shushes Ryan and talks about love in a way Ryan doesn’t really understand but he gets the gist: faggots are abnormal and something only rich people are. 

Ryan is eight years old the first time he actually understands what Trey meant. There's a new boy in his class, a boy with long eyelashes and curly hair that Ryan wants to touch He can feel the butterflies in his stomach and the nervousness around him like all of those girls in the romantic novels Dawn leaves lying around, as if she’ll ever be sober enough to read them. Ryan is no stupid boy. He knows what people think of faggots. He knows he can’t be one, not in _Chino_ of all places. Maybe if he was rich, had a nice home with clean sheets and welcoming smiles, maybe if he never ever had to worry about being hungry again he could worry about being a faggot. For now, he can’t.

When Ryan grows older he never thinks about love, ever. His excuse is that he doesn’t have time but sometimes he sees a boy beautiful enough to swoon over, just for a second, before he has to go back to figure out how to avoid being in the path of A.J’s fists, tonight. Ryan really isn’t as stupid as people peg him for. He knows Theresa is in love with him, he can see it on her face. He loves her so dearly, but he knows he can’t ever love her the way she loves him. The first night he dares to think that thought he quietly cries himself to sleep. Anything to avoid A.J’s fists.

Ryan is fourteen the first time someone calls him a faggot to his face and it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t doesn’t _doesn't,_ because it’s _not_ true.

Ryan knows nothing comes for free, and when Sandy Cohen comes to pick him up in a car fancier than any other car thats ever been in Chino he knows he needs to start paying. And pay he does. He makes breakfast, teaches Seth everything he knows (after a while he comes to realize he doesn’t mind Seth, there's something about him that reminds Ryan of an old boy from school). He never asks Rosa to do anything unless she happens to catch something that needs fixing before he does and he knows, _he knows_ it’ll never be enough, even though Kirsten constantly tells him he doesn’t need to earn his spot in the family. After everything they’ve done for him, Ryan would rather die than throw it all away. The promise of college, and not just some random one that’ll take him but a good one, never having to go hungry again, warm smiles and clean sheets instead of spilled vodka and broken glass-- It’s everything Ryan and Trey used to dream about when they should have been sleeping.

Growing up poor leaves traces the Cohens can’t understand. He knows deep down they won’t ever throw him out. Sandy is probably the most liberal guy in all of Orange County, and he picked up the pieces of a kid with anger issues and loads of emotional baggage out of the kindness of his heart. Ryan knows not many people would do that. He would rather die than disappoint Sandy, and he knows casting a vote for gay marriage is not the same thing as having a faggot for a son, so the worry never dies.

When Luke catches his dad kissing another man and he has to move away, Ryan realizes faggots aren’t safe anywhere.

Ryan is nineteen when he realizes he’s at least a little in love with Seth, when he realizes he wants to touch Seths hair just like he wanted to touch the boy from elementary schools hair. He knows now, knows that he’s a faggot and nothing will ever change that. A.J would probably kill him if he ever knew, but he’s not with A.J anymore. He knows that the Sandy that picked him up, for no reason other than how kind he his, wouldn’t ever let him starve again. 

He wishes there was someone to tell him what to do. The only other person who he knows is like himself is Luke’s dad and he had to move away when he got outed. Ryan doesn’t ever want to leave Seth and Sandy, not even Kirsten now that she has warmed up to him. He understands why Kirsten and Sandy would be uncomfortable with having a faggot under their roof, especially someone who was in love with their son, and he can’t bear that. But he wouldn’t survive being kicked out of yet another family. In the end, Ryan does know deep down that he’d push any part of himself down and away if it would make Sandy happy.

Ryan is twenty-five the first time he comes out. He's known the Cohens for almost ten years. He calls Sandy dad from time to time now, and it's true, Sandy is his dad, but this is something he's known was wrong before he knew it about himself. He tells Sandy first during a visit back in Newport when they’re alone, choking on his own words and the stone in his stomach while blinking back stinging hot tears. After, when he’s embraced in Sandy’s arms he can’t even remember exactly what he’s said. 

Things go a little better after that. He asks Sandy to tell Kirsten, and she comes into the pool house just to hug him. She doesn’t say anything else, but as he smells Kirsten’s expensive perfume in her hair and he realizes this was all he needed from her anyways.

He's still loved, loved loved loved loved. The word can’t stop spinning in his head. He has parents who love him. _Loved loved loved_ echoes in his head, and suddenly he understands how people who only see good in other people see the world

Ryan tells Seth after that. Neither of them live at home anymore, but they still meet up pretty often. As Seth once said, Ryan is his only real friend, and Ryan knows Seth is the only one who knows him inside and out. Telling the first boy you ever actually allowed yourself to love that you’re gay is no easy task, but as he gets the words out he sees Seth speechless for what he thinks is the first time ever, and it’s worth it just for that. After a few seconds, Seth is back to talking about this TV show he once saw, only now every single show he mentions has a gay theme. No one has ever made Ryan feel more welcome and safe in his entire life.

He never does confess to Seth that he used to love him. Someone once told him that being hung up on high school crushes is a bad idea. When Ryan does start to date though he realizes a part of him will always be Seth's, even if he's content with just being his best friend. The first time he brings home a boyfriend to the Cohens’ Sandy makes bad jokes about how if he ever hurt ryan he'd be able to defend anyone who made jean get in an 'accident' in court , and Seth laughs along and agrees. That's the first time Ryan actually knows everything is okay. It hasn’t always been and maybe it won’t always be, but he has a family now.

**Author's Note:**

> There are mentions of canon typical child abuse and violence but no outright descriptions of it, also usage of homophobic slurs mainly by the head character whom himself is gay but also mentioned to be used by others as slurs.
> 
> I deeply deeply see myself in Ryan in this story, I grew up poor (still am) and with an aggressive dad and publishing this makes me feel vulnerable but I really want this story to be read by other people so I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Also, a special shout out to my angel Zoe who beta read this even though I wrote it at five am and probably did not spell a single word right ahhsdfj.
> 
> If you have any questions or just want to talk about the OC reach out to me on tumblr here


End file.
